"Fleeting Feelings" - Out Now

 My First poetry book is out now!

I am thankful for all the people who read my writings, encouraged me and gave me their feedback.

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from the diaries of Tanvi

Invite me into your dream
You will be the king, I will be the queen
We will take our horses and ride
Across the pastures of our desire
Along the mountains of our ambition 
Through the breeze of our intuition
Our horses gallop amid the trees
Their pace resembling our heartbeat
We will lie down beside the lake
In the grass, at the sky we stare
The azure vastness above us bright
Where slowly drifting clouds reside
We don't hug, we don't even touch 
But it feels natural to be just us, like that
We will wait there till the stars show up
Lighting the dark sky and our desire to hug
We will take a boat and go deep into the lake
Stopping in the middle, at a mesmerizing place
Where the surface of the water reflects what's above
As if we are in between two skies - with one below
The whole world will be ours, just you and me
We will make our own kingdom like Adam and Eve.

Matt Davis Trail

It started with a filled stomach and a curiosity of how it would be inside and how the pictures would come with my new Lumia 1020. The entrance was a small wooden bridge and then it was like a walk to an old abandoned garden. Nothing magnificent or breathtaking. It smelled of old wood and dried leaves. 

It was mid-noon and the sunlight and trees were playing light and shade. The game where part of the tree would be in sunlight and the rest in shade and the light would try to catch up with the shade. There was webbing on the edges of the branches that glowed in sunlight. We wasted quite a while to grab snaps of things around like a teenager using Instagram in a new restaurant. Karl kept saying that we needed to move quickly.

We strolled amidst broken twigs and rocks and after what seemed like an hour, I asked Karl how much distance we covered. He opened a map and showed where we were and where we were supposed to reach. It seemed we have not even crossed 1/8th of the distance. I asked, "At what point do we decide if we continue or go back". Jag marched to the place we sitting like a soldier and said, "You have taken the blue pill. There is no turning back". Well, Jag was the guy who wanted us to eat lightning and fart thunder.

We started moving quick taking breaks only for a sip of Gatorade. I spotted a small snake on the way rushing into the bushes. Slowly, I started noticing huge trees that seemed to be either broken or cut. Those cuts looked like they were made by a machine and logs pushed aside to make the path for the trail. Chirping of birds here and there was the only other sounds we could here besides our footsteps and the others' who seemed dedicated to do the hike. Then came an open area will dried grass. The trail was around the edge of a hill. It was tortuous. Being very sunny, it was easier to take photographs amidst the dry grass.

Me: "Hey Jag, go climb to that top, Peter will take a pic from here"

Jag: (After climbing and after Peter taking photo, keeping his pose intact he started saying) "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

Then he turned left and kept walking. After a min or two of discussion among ourselves

Me, Karl: (shouting at the top of our lungs) Hey Maximus, turn back, we are not going that side.

We reached a view point from where we could see the downtown to our left and the sea line to the right. There we took rest for a while and continued with our walk. To break the monotonous activity of walking, I asked Jag, "What would be your course of action if I tell you we are lost". Jag replied, "I never lose". I think that was the last question I asked him.

The last quarter of the trail was path through densely grown trees. The way appeared to be forcibly made out, where there was none. Fallen tree trunks, logs, smell of old books and diluted eucalyptus. The sound from a small creek of running water was dominant all around. We saw two artists who sat near the creek and were painting something, either something they saw there or were just sitting there because it was easier to concentrate. It was meditating to listen to the sound of flowing water with no other distraction. Being mostly downhill we had to restrain our feet from giving in to the forward movement. That part had a little painful effect on my legs.

 We took more time than what was mentioned online, to finish the hike. So it grew so dark at one point that we had to use our mobile flashlights to find the way. That further slowed us down. Just before the last 0.5 miles of the trek, we reached a place from where we caught a glimpse of the orange sun setting into the blue ocean. It was a splendid sight but we were very late. A peek was all we could get. The sky around the horizon stayed in the color of vermilion after the sun disappeared into the ocean. It resembled the forehead of a devotee. There were streaks of sunlight that appeared like traces of the light beams hit from beneath the clouds. Nice scenery for silhouettes. 

We took some pictures and then rushed to the point where we parked our car. We started late and took much time to finish the hike so we had to complete it as soon as we could before it grew too dark. We started jogging and as we neared the beach, the wind grew chiller. The day long walking made the chill bearable till we reached the parking arena. 

I felt once in a while we need to go on such a hike.

Time

She is strict, she is punctual, she is disciplined and diligent. She teases, she taunts, she warns and she haunts.
At times she comes to me gracefully, tempting me when I am in high spirits and runs away quickly without me realizing it. How I wish she stayed for some more time and let me enjoy the moment but she is the master and I have to abide by her rules. I wonder and propagate what a lucky person I am to have her in this beautiful form. She arouses envy in others, when I am happy with her. She laughs and regales me however it seems for a very short span.  I am so lost in the euphoria that I realize late of that she is gone too soon.

There are also those times when she stays with me , when I am in a foul mood. Anger or frustration or irritation or depression. She never leaves me alone. But she doesn't bother to invite me to involve with her as she moves along. In such states, I sit and mourn and she plays in front of my eyes running along as she wishes. She stares at my inertia with cold eyes mocking me, blatantly stating that she wouldn't budge so soon. If only she ran along unnoticed, I think I would have some relief.

Thoughts

There is a want, there is a wish. 

There is something to be more than what it is. 

The routine seems unavoidable but still it is the only path brightly lit. 

When the light outside goes out and the one from the bed lamp shines brightest, I hear doors from different worlds creak open. Inviting, intimidating. Explore, remember, avoid. It is all a choice. But what for? Bringing out fiction, putting thought and pouring out letters on the page where they would wiggle their ends looking at each other as if enjoying some inside joke on what is being filled in the paper. Waste of ink? Waste of paper? But thought doesn't take the blame. Its a busy traveler crossing the mind without forcing to be introduced. Just to be entertained maybe even without accepting it. It feels that everything has been seen what is to be seen and everything felt what is to be felt. Is it the shallow mind that narrows the awareness or is it the truth that changes its guise and appears at different places in different forms? Is it the plenitude that demands experience to be variegated? The rainbow ultimately is single entity with different opinions each representing only part of the totality. But the colors attract. No matter how far you go with one, it is just a shade, a part of the entirety. Each color evokes a different feeling, demands a different expression, a different opinion. But in the long run it seems tiresome when destination is reached where all color amalgamate showing there always was and is a single source. This puts the purpose of any creation in simple terms of 'desire for existence'. It desired to be and so it is. 

Rationality doesn't approve that explanation. It needs clear lines between the dots to complete the picture and appreciate the beauty. However dots can only be connected in hindsight which implies the flavor at each stop is not new and tainted with experience. Clouded with old feelings conjured by the memory. No wonder memories force the experience as they are created based on one. Ink falls on the paper and splashes forming multiple small blots that continue to do the same and all is left is a shaded paper. Once trapped, once recorded, the reach of the ink is restrained. But how else would it be propagated? The completeness is never reciprocated between two minds. When it is, then there are no two minds - they become one. Nevertheless, desire dwells in every mind. Every color tries to shine and depict a picture. Sometimes, it is not enough. Desire is not quenched and the craving finds a new partner and copulates to form endless chain of minions constantly working to reproduce. Saturation of mind halts this chain only from one source. The chain reaction was set in motion at the time of creation and only at the destination, where everything becomes one, it is halted. Alas, it would only be a calm before the storm. This is bound to start again to form an endless loop. The search for a meaning to all this is meaningless but at the same time it is discouraging to discard this exuberance. 

जा सनम ..

The song starts playing and 
I look towards the sky
eagerly searching for the moon
I tend to gaze in its eye

It turns into a known face
digging my heart with spades
Pulling out buried old memories;
With every thought my heart aches

Every line of the song slowly
and surreptitiously recreates
A world out of the incidents and
hidden feelings of those days

I wonder at the innocent desires
plans and promises that were made
The anxiety and adrenaline I had
The path I have taken & the one I laid

And as the song reaches its end
I sing along the lines wiping a tear
Treating every word that comes out
As an orphaned wish and a silent prayer.

---------------------------
song: जा सनम 
movie: ना तुम जनों ना हम 

...शायद कभी कहीं तुम्हें ,
मेरी मिले खबर ,
कर लेना याद बस मुझे, 
मुमकिन हो ये अगर..

post from the past

from the diaries of Tanvi

Out of the blue, if I tell you that I miss you, will you really realize how much?

Sometimes I think about you all day and feel why I missed something that I feel so

important. And sometimes your memory flashes in my mind like a butcher’s knife.

With one swing tearing apart my heart and going away, leaving my body to feel

the tremors. No matter what, I want you to know that I think about you and I

miss you. I don’t know if the feelings you have or I think I have towards you

are the same as they used to be. Even then, I think there is something still

remaining in me that feels bad about not being with you and having to live on

memories that become the needles used by a poor acupuncture therapist. They

hurt more than they heal.

what do I do? Like Boyzone says, words are all that I have! In a time where the value of

words is depreciating, I doubt mere ‘miss you’ can portray the entirety of my

anguish. That doesn’t mean I have to abandon my means. I use these words, which

when not felt the same way, become empty shells. But believe me, these are

heavy. With the weight of the tears gushing through my eyes and the depth of

the hollow pit formed in my heart. Don’t discard these as useless marks of ink,

they sting as they pierce out of my heart with a hope that your response would

fill the holes formed. If not my heart would remain as a netted veil covering my

memories.

bad Habit

from the diaries of Tanvi

Jealousy? Envy? Hatred? why would I feel so towards him? 

It was the feeling just after I talked with him. I wanted to talk with him since a long time. It’s been a week since we talked. It’s not that we are in a relationship. He is far more settled in his life than I am and I don’t regret it for the most part. Yes, the most part when I am busy in something or the other. But the moment I am idle, he starts staring at me from my thoughts. Following me around and sneaking from behind. All the songs that depict the restlessness of a lover, the peculiar inquiry that a lover does on her beloved’s state of being, the curiosity and enthusiasm reel back to me and start playing in a continuous loop. I am not desperate for him. For that matter, proudly proclaim that we have part our ways in a more mature way. I am pretty much occupied with my day to day activities but those few minutes that I am not engaged in anything start becoming a pain in my heart. There is no sugar-coating, I have this feeling only when my mind is not occupied with anything else. Still, the needle of this wish-compass deflects in a wide range after interacting with him.

Incidentally, this is the one similarity that I noticed between my bad habit and him. My feelings take an entirely opposite position just after the incident. The feeling to do it slowly creeps on me like the shadow of an object in the sun after midday. I try to move away but somehow it catches me before I can completely escape and I am surrounded by the darkness. I give in. But just after I am done with it, I contemplate on why I gave in, it shouldn’t be that difficult! It really is just a shadow. The shadow cannot talk or convince me, I am the one to be blamed. I wouldn’t do it the next time. Gosh! Why is it that I want to do it or to feel bad after doing it? Oh!

That is exactly what I feel after I talk to him. There is no rancor towards him, only anger on myself or is it ? But sure this keeps repeating and this bad habit eats me from inside bite by bite, thought by thought. There is pain with a weird cause, it's just that there is no blood loss.

this duality..

from the diaries of Tanvi

How come I feel something so different at the same time?
A feeling of being scared and secure.

The evening seems perfect. I am in the balcony of my apartment and am dressed in nice and attractive casual dress. The room is bright with light and wine is filled in the glass. A nice location for a great date. I am standing in the balcony facing my room and am doing a soft dance to the music I hear in my head. The only company I have is the wind rustling the leaves. I feel the cool breeze rushing past me and making me realize my sense of touch along the contours of my body. I am slowly swinging to the sound of the invisible guitar , drums and keyboard. It feels so calm.

But from the corner of my eye I notice a city far across the lake. The city is filled with lights and its reflection is dancing on the ripples of the lake created by the wind that fondles the water. I imagine the streets filled with piercing lights, heavy traffic and noisy crowd. A sense of discomfort starts to creep in my heart. Suddenly I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, as if it is getting hotter slowly. My mind starts sweating and the sweat mixes with my blood pumping up the temperature and making my skin turn red. Is it the wine or just my imagination? A part of me wants to roam around the street without getting tainted in mind, body and heart. Is this the feeling the moth gets when attracted to a light. 

As I try to analyze and rationalize, the street in my imagination becomes desolate. The street lights are glowing orange but there is hardly any crowd. Torn paper flies in front of my eyes. The wind is sweeping the lanes like a maid hurrying in her work to go to the next street. It feels very uncomfortable. It takes me few seconds to realize that I have walked into my imagination and as soon as I realize I am back to my balcony. Suddenly I feel the weight of the tiredness on my shoulders and I sit down. Now the balcony seems a cold place to stay any more. The cool wind starts to make my body shiver. I walk into my room and shut the door. I switch off the light, neglect the wine and fall on bed with a disturbed mind and shut my eyes off for the night.

Still missing..

I was running. I was running with my backpack on me. I was running towards a classroom. I was late and that made me anxious and I was running fast. I was coming there to meet somebody and I was late. I wanted to be there early because we both were going to meet alone in this classroom after everybody left. I was waiting for this moment since a long time and now I am late. I don’t know what was the reason I don’t know where I was and what I was doing earlier but I couldn't make it in time. I was afraid a bit too. I finally reached the classroom. The classroom was empty. No one was there in it only few bags on the benches. There was a window to the wall opposite to the entrance door, at the rear end of the room. As soon as I reached, I realized I forgot the gift. We both were meeting for friendship day and I didn't get any gift. I was going to meet her after a long time and I didn't have anything to give. I thought again of what might be there in my backpack that I can give it to her. I always give her something I make/write or something that I think is mine. But this time I didn't have anything with me. I was just wearing my J&T and was having the backpack. Not even my watch. I took my backpack and kept it on the floor to search it. Then I saw her looking into the classroom from the window and my heart started racing. I didn't want her to notice me searching my backpack so I turned around and opened it. Then a question popped in my mind, what if she enters the room and walks away without noticing me. Then I stood up and looked at her. She was searching for something/someone in the room with a very strange expectation in her eyes and it was slowing turning into disappointment as no one was in sight. I didn't know what to do. Then I felt, maybe I could give her a hug. I started to feel a little assured that I got something in my mind, but as I started to walk into the room, she came out holding her books to the chest like a college student and walked passed me. Not even looking at me. As if thinking about a plan B because plan A failed. She just walked away and disappeared. When I entered the room, there was light only at the window which fell on few benches near it and slowly it started to fade out and everything turned black. I woke up realizing I am still missing her.

Hug

Everything in the room seems to exist just for the sake of existence. Nothing in the room shows a protest of being misplaced or mishandled. Even the half closed door seems to be in concurrence with its position. Half the room is filled with light from the florescent lamp in the adjacent room. The fan is set at just the right speed to personify the cool breeze in the house to a small kid running & playing in and out of each room, resonating the feeling and ambience of comfort. She slowly glides towards me in her pink night dress and gives out her hand.
 
Lying on the bed, I look at her eagerly and stretch out my hand to hold hers. She pulls me up effortlessly and I stand right in front of her. I feel her warm breath on my chest and I move close to softly kiss her shoulders. She slowly drags me walking back and pulls me to a corner of the room near the wardrobe beside the shower room. She seems to be few steps ahead of me for she kept on the shower with hot water running. As she opens the door, the steam rushes upon us challenging the warmth in our intimacy. I pull her close and stand in front of the open door letting the steam flow into the room creating a mix of hot and cold air inside. We move towards each other as if two pieces of a puzzle are being brought to their right place to complete the picture. We hug.

Neither tightens the grip but still feel inseparable. Seconds turn to minutes and then hours and time comes to a halt. Holding its breath it gazes at us. We hear nothing else apart from two hearts beating slowly falling in synch forming a peaceful rhythm. For the first time a wave of gratitude towards being alive flows through the body.

That day..

from the diaries of Tanvi:

They say it hurts only if you let it and I say yeah! I know it but try it and see. 

Get so close to someone that they are all that you see. The eyes move with them not looking at the reality and one day they will be gone and you will be overwhelmed by the scene you are left in. You become a stranger in the place you live.

It was he who always thought about everything in terms of right and wrong, good and bad. He used to judge people by their acts without even giving a few minutes of thought to the circumstances they would have been in. Yet he always got things done in the way he wanted them. He cribbed about people, their behaviour, had complaints and always wanted things to happen in the way he imagined in his mind. He couldn’t handle any situation unprepared. His behaviour was controlled by a strange function which would result in a large amount of mood swing due to a small deviation from his expectation. At times I wondered why he never came to terms with the possibility that things don’t turn out in the way we want them to be always, as there may be a large amount of unfamiliar elements that can intervene with our present. I used to shower the little bit of theosophical stuff at him when he took a break from his anxiety and anguish. After the little shower he would shake his head violently shouting out ‘this food for thought is causing indigestion for me, lets get a coffee to dry out of this’ , with a deceiving smile. That smile would blow my seriousness away and make me fall for whatever he said. Either he did not want to get involved in such discussions or he dint really care, I never could know.

At times when I used to write something about my feelings, a situation, a scene imagined, he would look at it, correct the grammar, check its familiarity in thought and wordings and finally declare out his opinion in very few selected words. Mostly of which 'good' was always a part. He never went beyond the lines to know the uncharted lands of my heart and my imagination. He always seemed hesitant as if he felt safer looking at them only from a distance.

I could not take this negligence of me as whole any longer. I drank an ocean full of courage and decided to part ways. As an advice I wanted him to know why I took such a step and shouted on his face - Liking you is the hardest thing to do. He said - No, pretending not to like you is.

Em!

There is a solace in your songs,
As if someone is embracing me in their arms,

They take me to a place I want to be,

They ease my heart and give me peace!

Planets, we are!

from the diaries of Tanvi

"I alone am not your world, right!"

That’s how he gave me permission to take leave for the day after we met for a sip of coffee. A small part of me was wondering with a gleeful smile as it is one of the lines we would want to hear at sometime in a relation. But the other contemplated comparing the situation and scenes that happened between us. This part dominated and I was lost in thought.

There were times when I behaved like he is the only one I have to take care in my life. But at every such impression of mine, his actions reprimanded me on my thought process and fenced my feelings. It resulted in me coming to a conclusion that we are in two different worlds. At times I even fail to understand his state of mind and it keeps bothering me.

We are two different planets revolving in our orbits, mutually exclusive and independent. There is not even a minor chance of us colliding. The pattern of our orbits is such that we come very close to each other at a certain point of time. Past few years seem to be that period. Few things get exchanged, moved, thrown apart due to mutual gravitational forces but after this phase, we part in our separate ways without any knowledge of when we are going to come close again!!

what the song made me feel!

A quality, a feeling, an opportunity, a power solely belonging to me. Irrevocably mine.

Perceived through the eye and realized in the heart without the intervention of the mind. A power to shift worlds in an instant. To enter a euphoric plane where the bonds to this mortal and mundane world are broken without disturbing anything in and around. To feel senselessness. To be aware of being caught unawares.

To forget all worry, all sorrow and be as clear as a glass, with a face as transparent showing the apparent amazement at the cause. To hold an overwhelming innocence in the eyes with a desire that is pristine, without any envious motive. To completely and consciously be in control of something that is not me. In just a glance, going into a state that cannot be descried but only experienced. A state that can be counted in the genre of divinity owing to its purity, innocence and awe.
Yaaradi Nee Mohini!


(me and mine are mere references to a boy)

This, We Rap

I tried my hand at dissing someone, and my pen has really given a stab!

A Psychotic version, one in a million specimen, miniature king Kong,

For your uncouth and disheveled behavior I hereby present you a song,

You suffer from diarrhea, you stink and you leak shit wherever you go,

You got a loose tongue; I am talking about the shit that comes out of your mouth

Bloated belly smoke engine, you also suffer from malnutrition on reality

Your opinion of Ram is great is not going to help you in a war with me

I was once warned not to go for a fight with a pig, cause it got nothing to loose

Falling in the mud, I get dirt and its gonna enjoy, it seems to be the same with you

But hell I care of what you think, if you pull me down, I might as well piss

Either way your dumb retarded mind can’t differentiate a hit from a miss

Your disease is the brain freeze; your mind reboots every few mins it starts

You gape in air, like ape you stare, a smell of farts spreads as you pass

You talk about rules, as if on booze, you don’t get half of what's being said

An irrational git, an imprudent jerk, are the proper terms for you that fit

A farce in the name of head of the pack, your own wolves are ready to attack

as they have been kept in hunger for too long, teasing and telling a pile of crap

Interestingly if you ever read these lines, you will not even realize

That every single word is aimed at you and you would simply prove them right

what the song did to me!

It starts with an enticing voice calling me somewhere indicating something interesting is happening. Then it tells me that the interesting thing is me. It pulls me with tender hands and makes me do a soft dance. It pushes me teasingly and sends me up in the air with its gentle pushes. I fall down. It catches me and swings me higher. After few more swings, it gives one final push and sends me floating in the air. I slowly descend from the sky, lying on my back. It gives time to tranquilize, my anxiousness settles and heart beat returns to normal. No sooner I feel in control, it spins me around and launches me in the air leaving me helpless to feel the full effect of the free fall. But miraculously, I fall on a soft bed. I keep sinking in it till I slow down and stand up by myself.

Someone screams my name and I consciously close the door on this bliss and return to my work, smiling at myself.

Every Time

from the diaries of Tanvi:

I stop in my tracks. I try to find some support. I stop whatever I am doing. Each and every incident, from the first day that u confessed the million feelings you had locked inside your heart since a long time ,  starts to play on (the film of) my mind. The innocence in your eyes at every word you said, the happiness coming out in bursts with the words that came out of your mouth appear so vividly to me that reality blurs. I lose track of time. 

The first shivers that ran through my spine when you took out the Rose with mischievous smile, the first time you took me in your arms and kissed me in the dark, the first time you held my arm as we walked along the beach, all the times from then that you never left it, the times we made fool of each other in front of all by staring for too long, the flying kisses that missed the targets, the silly messages and night long calls,the code words we created,the traces that we deleted - all these roll one after the other.I gape into nothingness looking at all these in my mind's eye. 

Comes atlast the moment, me breaking the promise, like a hungry predator waiting behind bushes to pound on it's prey. All the memories melt and flow out as tears. My hands don't even dare to touch them leave aside wiping them. I let them dry on my face. Disappointed at myself I walk away. This repeats every time you come to my mind.

Eco song

Look around you and tell me what you see,

Don’t you realize what you are doing to me?

If only our planet earth could speak,

And asked to answer your actions, are you ready?

I have set the clock running

But you are trying to stop it from turning,

Nurturing the first life form I enabled evolution,

But you are sterilizing me with industrial revolution

You are choking me with plastic , draping air with acids,

Became a termite virus and destroyed the whole forests

Look around you and tell me what you see,

Don’t you realize what you are doing to me?

If only our planet earth could speak,

And asked to answer your actions, are you ready?

Now I can give you no more rain, who else is to blame,

The Living heart quenches its thirst with tears in pain,

beautiful ice castles that I built in different shapes

Are melting down in the rising carbon heat waves

I have shown my wrath, you have seen the Tsunami,

But you still don’t seem to stop in exploiting me

Look around you and tell me what you see,

Don’t you realize what you are doing to me?

This is how the earth would speak,

Come lets correct our mistakes, are you ready?

Lets own a tree each and plant a thousand others

As a homage to one tree that withers,

Lets save electricity and use resources dutiful

Let day be bright and let night - dark and beautiful

Lets recycle most and reduce our carbon foot print

Lets go green for a future - colorful and magnificent

Look around you and tell everyone you see,

That we have planned how this is going to be,

To hand our future generations a home,

So marvelous and breathtaking indeed.

Confession!

She said it loud, not that everyone had to hear it, there were only two of us present. She was ascertaining her feeling by saying it aloud so that every part of her understands and acts accordingly and that every part of mine does the same. Her body was so heated up with the feeling that I could see slight movement in her hands and the heat was melting her thoughts into water that I could see in her eyes. The moment robbed us of words. I could see the sincerity in her eyes. Her feeling was so pure and truthful, I was moved. I had to take a step back to bottle the scene for drinking it up later when I can digest it. There were no metaphors or similes, no quotes or sayings. They were three simple words telling what she felt, what she believes and what the base of her actions towards me is going to be. That day for the first time she openly said, "I hate you".