bad Habit

from the diaries of Tanvi

Jealousy? Envy? Hatred? why would I feel so towards him? 

It was the feeling just after I talked with him. I wanted to talk with him since a long time. It’s been a week since we talked. It’s not that we are in a relationship. He is far more settled in his life than I am and I don’t regret it for the most part. Yes, the most part when I am busy in something or the other. But the moment I am idle, he starts staring at me from my thoughts. Following me around and sneaking from behind. All the songs that depict the restlessness of a lover, the peculiar inquiry that a lover does on her beloved’s state of being, the curiosity and enthusiasm reel back to me and start playing in a continuous loop. I am not desperate for him. For that matter, proudly proclaim that we have part our ways in a more mature way. I am pretty much occupied with my day to day activities but those few minutes that I am not engaged in anything start becoming a pain in my heart. There is no sugar-coating, I have this feeling only when my mind is not occupied with anything else. Still, the needle of this wish-compass deflects in a wide range after interacting with him.

Incidentally, this is the one similarity that I noticed between my bad habit and him. My feelings take an entirely opposite position just after the incident. The feeling to do it slowly creeps on me like the shadow of an object in the sun after midday. I try to move away but somehow it catches me before I can completely escape and I am surrounded by the darkness. I give in. But just after I am done with it, I contemplate on why I gave in, it shouldn’t be that difficult! It really is just a shadow. The shadow cannot talk or convince me, I am the one to be blamed. I wouldn’t do it the next time. Gosh! Why is it that I want to do it or to feel bad after doing it? Oh!

That is exactly what I feel after I talk to him. There is no rancor towards him, only anger on myself or is it ? But sure this keeps repeating and this bad habit eats me from inside bite by bite, thought by thought. There is pain with a weird cause, it's just that there is no blood loss.

this duality..

from the diaries of Tanvi

How come I feel something so different at the same time?
A feeling of being scared and secure.

The evening seems perfect. I am in the balcony of my apartment and am dressed in nice and attractive casual dress. The room is bright with light and wine is filled in the glass. A nice location for a great date. I am standing in the balcony facing my room and am doing a soft dance to the music I hear in my head. The only company I have is the wind rustling the leaves. I feel the cool breeze rushing past me and making me realize my sense of touch along the contours of my body. I am slowly swinging to the sound of the invisible guitar , drums and keyboard. It feels so calm.

But from the corner of my eye I notice a city far across the lake. The city is filled with lights and its reflection is dancing on the ripples of the lake created by the wind that fondles the water. I imagine the streets filled with piercing lights, heavy traffic and noisy crowd. A sense of discomfort starts to creep in my heart. Suddenly I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, as if it is getting hotter slowly. My mind starts sweating and the sweat mixes with my blood pumping up the temperature and making my skin turn red. Is it the wine or just my imagination? A part of me wants to roam around the street without getting tainted in mind, body and heart. Is this the feeling the moth gets when attracted to a light. 

As I try to analyze and rationalize, the street in my imagination becomes desolate. The street lights are glowing orange but there is hardly any crowd. Torn paper flies in front of my eyes. The wind is sweeping the lanes like a maid hurrying in her work to go to the next street. It feels very uncomfortable. It takes me few seconds to realize that I have walked into my imagination and as soon as I realize I am back to my balcony. Suddenly I feel the weight of the tiredness on my shoulders and I sit down. Now the balcony seems a cold place to stay any more. The cool wind starts to make my body shiver. I walk into my room and shut the door. I switch off the light, neglect the wine and fall on bed with a disturbed mind and shut my eyes off for the night.

Still missing..

I was running. I was running with my backpack on me. I was running towards a classroom. I was late and that made me anxious and I was running fast. I was coming there to meet somebody and I was late. I wanted to be there early because we both were going to meet alone in this classroom after everybody left. I was waiting for this moment since a long time and now I am late. I don’t know what was the reason I don’t know where I was and what I was doing earlier but I couldn't make it in time. I was afraid a bit too. I finally reached the classroom. The classroom was empty. No one was there in it only few bags on the benches. There was a window to the wall opposite to the entrance door, at the rear end of the room. As soon as I reached, I realized I forgot the gift. We both were meeting for friendship day and I didn't get any gift. I was going to meet her after a long time and I didn't have anything to give. I thought again of what might be there in my backpack that I can give it to her. I always give her something I make/write or something that I think is mine. But this time I didn't have anything with me. I was just wearing my J&T and was having the backpack. Not even my watch. I took my backpack and kept it on the floor to search it. Then I saw her looking into the classroom from the window and my heart started racing. I didn't want her to notice me searching my backpack so I turned around and opened it. Then a question popped in my mind, what if she enters the room and walks away without noticing me. Then I stood up and looked at her. She was searching for something/someone in the room with a very strange expectation in her eyes and it was slowing turning into disappointment as no one was in sight. I didn't know what to do. Then I felt, maybe I could give her a hug. I started to feel a little assured that I got something in my mind, but as I started to walk into the room, she came out holding her books to the chest like a college student and walked passed me. Not even looking at me. As if thinking about a plan B because plan A failed. She just walked away and disappeared. When I entered the room, there was light only at the window which fell on few benches near it and slowly it started to fade out and everything turned black. I woke up realizing I am still missing her.