आदत..

ज़िन्दगी के सफर में भागने की आदत थी हमारी,
सोचे बिना किसी को चाहने की आदत थी हमारी,
किसी के गाड़ी से टकराना ही था क्यूंकि,
सड़क के दोनों तरफ़ देखे बिना पार करने की आदत थी हमारी...

then: "If you see one bird its unlucky, two its luck" but I was not watching the birds , I was looking at her. Childish or foolish or just for the fun of it. I couldn't find the exact reason for her to believe in it.

now: My campus has lots of those birds. Whenever I see them, mostly wen I spot a single one, I repeat to myself "I don't believe it". But due to the number of the birds around here, i hardly miss them. I was in the cafe standing beside my team mate having coffee. I was looking around wondering why the strength of ppl at the cafe was less this day! Was it that we came late?! But on this day, keeping in mind how I was feeling, I was least bothered about it. It was an year that I came to this city,reason being my job. On this day me and my frnds reached to this city at around 2.00 in the afternoon.

As I think, I see a bird on the patch of grass lying in font of the cafe. I hear a voice "one means bad luck".

My mind went blank.I left that thought unnoticed and remembered the day at the station.
I started thinking about the moment I saw her as the train stopped on the platform. Wearing a white long skirt and the top ( brown/grey/red I cant tell as I cant differentiate the color) she was standing beside her boyfriend. She wore glasses and had short hair. She looked entirely different from the last time I saw her. I felt happy to see her again. At this thought, on the grass patch in front i saw another bird coming from behind the tree.I couldn't see it before because of a tree. It joined the one already present. Now I said to myself " two means luck". I felt , its not the tree because of which I couldn't see the second one but the thought of her that made me see it.

I am lucky I know her.

when they came..

This little poem is dedicated to my friends who came to my house as a part of a tour on 13-02-2007. The one day trip and that night gave my life a completely different turn that led me into an unforgettable paradise. Thanks once again my friends.

Every moment,in my thoughts,vividly i can find,
I wonder how come I have the day still in my mind
In my house I stand still at the door,
as I imagine you walking across the floor
I stay speechless in the corner,as I see
in my mind's eye,you all shouting, playing housie*.
While walking through rooms I step aside,
to make way for you and your thoughts inside
I ask mom for few more cups of tea,
feeling that you are still beside me.
I can feel your presence at every place,
I remember the smile and joy on each one's face.
I smile for no reason,I cry without knowing,
I become numb ,as I picture you all leaving.
I have your thoughts but I miss you for sure,
Thanks for the thoughts,thanks for coming to the tour..

* an indoor game

As we go..

have you ever talked different
to convey the same meaning
have you ever tried to feel a stranger
as if he too was trying
have you ever tried to dot the joints
or seperate the ends
have you ever lived every minute
just to remember the seconds
better we go exploring life,though it takes
no matter how many bends
and enjoy the music before the song ends.

msg to my best friend...

many a times i wanted u to sleep beside me,
so that i can hug u when i get a nightmare,
but i dint want u to know that i was scared,
so whenever i was, i hugged empty air...

not the same

It was a casual meet, the first time v met each other,
felt she was different but dint expect v'd gel together,
got used to the casual meets and i became her casuality,
she killed me everytime she said no need of any formality,
after the obvious exchange of like and dislikes,i started to impress her,
surpising her wit things she loved and got closer than ever,
i always felt happy wen i gave her wat she wanted,
and wen i couldn't get it she sometimes wantedly taunted
her mind was fickle, the same was the case with her heart,
sometimes she hated the one she liked,so was the state of art
that attitude hurt me, i can't change too quick,
nevertheless i followed her like the flame on candle's wick
that follows the air how ever it blows,
slowly i started accepting it and kept myself on the toes,
i tried explaining her about her way of thinking,
tried to make her understand its not a way of living,
one should have a stable mind not a confusing one,
soon u wud loose interest in everything, u cant even hav fun,
but alas! she never gave an ear to my word,
innocent she felt proud to be apart from the normal crowd,
one day our talk lead to an argument,
that ended with her blaming me,
she couldn't take any firm decision,her mind was swift
she wanted everything and yes, she was a spendthrift
she left me,saying that i have changed,
i found it difficult to say..
look back into ur life u'l get the reason for the same

the long awaited meeting...

from the diaries of Tanvi:

He was coming to me when I looked up after sending a message in hurry. He crossed the road on the bike and saw me. A simple smile wishing me ‘Hi’. He asked me to get on the bike. He took out his cell and was trying to make a call. Looking at his mobile I asked him when and why he changed it! He started telling about how his old mobile a better and higher model got under a car and was damaged beyond 1000 rupees repair. He showed me the old piece. He finished the call soon and we started to the place we decided to spend some time. I don’t know the reason but I was excited to meet him. It was almost close to a year that I last saw him. The first impression looking at him was, nothing changed in him but (later) the evening proved it otherwise. We went to beach. It was not like the old days when he used to talk as if in an extempore and would give little gaps expecting me to continue it or talk something. This time, I became the contestant and he, the judge. I gave him a brief account of my whole life since the day we parted. Though we talked with each other a couple of times during last one year, I felt this was the first time after the farewell.

I passed the mic. He was too calm, more than what I have known him to be. He was casual. I dint see any hint of excitement of interest on his face. I doubted whether our relation was so deep that he is behaving as if we met yesterday or is it that meeting me for a couple of hours doesn’t make any difference. I dint take any guess. I waited for him to talk. In spite of us sitting in front of the water, I found difficulty in breaking the ice. He was moving like a professional killer patiently waiting for his target to move to the spot he marked in his plan. I showed him my camera and took few snaps of the beach, of him and of him & the beach. He told me his resentment towards his life. He dint like the way things were at the office. He told me how he feels he has wasted one full year doing nothing, nothing worthwhile. He dint enjoy his life. He was sad and dull telling all this. He appreciated me for the time I had with the people I was with. I couldn’t carry the conversation sitting there so I suggested a walk. We walked near to the line from where the water returned into the sea.

We walked few rounds on the sand. We talked about love. It was a small conversation. He told about the girl who was after him. ‘Hmm.. ‘ I thought ‘..girl friend, interesting’. We sat again. The sky was dark, the stars were out and the crescent moon added to the beauty of the scenery. We could see each other’s faces in the lights that were on, around the beach boundary. He was looking at me but it was more like he was looking through me. There was a twitch on his lips. No one spoke. The sound from the sea was waxing and waning through my ears and mind. He looked without blinking his eyes and asked me, ‘Is it so hard to make your parents agree for the relation?’ His tone was obedient, his eyes looked innocent and his body language – pleading. I never faced emotion in such multitude. I lost words, lost my thoughts and lost sense of time. I remained silent for I don’t know how much time. He asked the question again with his eyebrows. I hung my head and looked towards the sand. I only said ‘I already told you’. He looked away with a feeling of helplessness. We dint talk about it again. I sensed a dead end to our conversation. After a few moments, we started from the beach. After we covered some distance, he started talking again, about his family, his work and his life. He dropped me at the end of the street where I told him to. He smiled, said ‘Keep in touch’. His face said a silent good bye. He was gone. I moved on.

जब से उसने इनकार करदिया है, 

ज़िन्दगी का नजरिया बदल गया है,

जिस तन्हाई में पहले तड़पते थे,

अब उसी तन्हाई से हमें प्यार होने लगा है...

In contemplation...

Its different. Cant give u the reason but i know its different. I've been in journeys like this before. its different. I can feel it. The happiness,the little bit can-be-taken-care-later grief is not there! did i change? or is it that I'm so used to them that i cant recognize them or differentiate them from ordinary feelings. Its again the same reason, i don't know. But i feel some security in this state of heart and mind.

Change is constant. Nothing is yours. You r just another passenger tryin to find a reason to identify/state yourself apart from the others. How all these statements sound true at the same time now! i wonder.

Am i alone? no. I'm surrounded by sounds of laughter,pain,authority, sounds of life and images of togetherness,insecurity,solitude,images of existence....but y doesn't anything affect me? I look indifferent to all of them. Is it the result of fleeting happiness that i cant share and a constant nagging pain which no one will wish to share.It takes real guts to deny both. The trouble starts when u acknowledge them again and again. But for the 'time-being' its irrelevant. Time stops for none. Once u r in its web, u escape living. U have to. There's no choice in it.

The only choice u have is how u live.

I'm tired.I want to stop the image feed to the brain. But i see a different world altogether when i close my eyes.Does this show that I detest the reality which I'm suppose to live in or does it show my inability to shut the brain for sometime or as long as i want. The only thing i do is to give myself to the dizziness.I sleep.I dream.Time moves. Something from the reality reaches into my dreams and transports me to the now(present).I wake up. Not long enough, i long to slumber again.time moves.I do nothing but time moves. After few repetitions i no longer feel sleepy.My eye lids refuse to close.Even blinking becomes alien.I just watch. Watch people do things.Watch things happen and time move.

a conversation

Boy enters the bus, searches for his girl and finds her standing with her frnds..a smile appears on his face..he eagerly waits for her to look at him so that he can have a chat with her..she finds time to escape from her frnds and looks at him

the conversation starts...
boy: raises both his eyebrows and lowers them quickly retaining smile on his face

girl: raises her eyebrows,tilts her head to one side and straintens maintaining the same smile

boy:looks from her head to feet then to head,raises his eyebrows,make his eyes big and rocks his head tilting it with a small amplitude in both ways

girl:lowers her glance,looks slightly askew to the floor of the bus contracting her lips into a smile and looks at him

boy:bounces his eyes from her place to a place near to where he is standing simultaneously tilting his head in the direction of motion of his eyes

girl:raises her eyebrows and lowers them without any smile on her face. gives a quick look towards her frnds without moving her head and gives little nods sideways

boy:breaks their eye contact,looks out of the window for few seconds,looks at the floor,looks into her eyes,blinks slowly and smiles

girl:glances at him,looks in his eyes wen he returns his gaze and smiles after he smiles..

they go back to talk with their resp frnds,looking at each other occasionally and returning short smiles..wen the stop for the boy to get down comes,he shouts at her by turning his head towards her...she stares at him even before he looks at her

boy:rocks his head tilting it from one side to the other and gives a broad smile

girl:imitates him and watches him get down the bus

the boy walks few steps and turns back and looks at the bus,resumes his walk and smiles to himself

girl in the bus stares at the floor for few seconds and smiles at herself.

the day starts for them...

Can you show???

It was post lunch. I was the third student in the third bench in the third column in the class.It was very odd time to have a realization. It was a time when I also realized the saying that teacher is equivalent to God. He was the only reason that I was enlightened to sit and unfold this great work, Though it falls into the category of 'nonsense', I am very much happy to have been releasing it for the sake of those who don't understand the power of the pen, or rather words as I am typing this. Let me not keep you in ignorance, though it is bliss. I am with this script to disturb it.

He came to my bench. I was apparently fidgeting with my books, being crushed by two heavy weighters of our class on both sides. It was inevitable. He asked me "Show me yours". I was shocked. It was like time has frozen for few seconds. It hit me like an ice cream. My thoughts were already drifting towards somewhere I dont know, in search of the answer to the most important question I felt at that moment. He asked me to show something I don't have. Consequent of my mind's absent state, I was punished. He ordered me to leave the class at once."Go out and kneel before the door". I felt helpless. I wanted to ask him,ask the crushers behind me,ask the benches, the black board, God or someone.. Is this fair? Has justice gone on a vacation? But there was no answer. I was punished for something I dint do. Should an innocent, ignorant, fragile hearted boy be punished for some work he dint do? It was after all just one day's home work. Gosh!

Then I took an oath on the ant that was making its way through the sand on the floor on which I kneeled down. I will definitely find a answer for this question. No one else should suffer for the lack of an answer for this. Thats the reason I -affirmed- to write this book "How to show what you don't have".

I am sure folks will enjoy this one-in-a-million magnificent piece of work.

tanhai....

दिल का दर्द छुपाना कितना मुश्किल है,

टूट कर फिर मुस्कराना कितना मुश्किल है,

दूर तक चलो जब किसी के साथ तो फिर,

तनहा लौट के आना कितना मुश्किल है ....

NM