from the diaries of Tanvi
Jealousy? Envy? Hatred?
why would I feel so towards him?
It was the feeling just after I
talked with him. I wanted to talk with him since a long time. It’s been a week
since we talked. It’s not that we are in a relationship. He is far more settled
in his life than I am and I don’t regret it for the most part. Yes, the most
part when I am busy in something or the other. But the moment I am idle, he
starts staring at me from my thoughts. Following me around and sneaking from
behind. All the songs that depict the restlessness of a lover, the peculiar
inquiry that a lover does on her beloved’s state of being, the curiosity and
enthusiasm reel back to me and start playing in a continuous loop. I am not desperate for him. For that matter, proudly proclaim that we have part our
ways in a more mature way. I am pretty much occupied with my day to day
activities but those few minutes that I am not engaged in anything start becoming
a pain in my heart. There is no sugar-coating, I have this feeling only when my
mind is not occupied with anything else. Still, the needle of this wish-compass
deflects in a wide range after interacting with him.
Incidentally, this is the one similarity that I noticed between my bad habit and him. My feelings take an entirely opposite position just after the incident. The feeling to do it slowly creeps on me like the shadow of an object in the sun after midday. I try to move away but somehow it catches me before I can completely escape and I am surrounded by the darkness. I give in. But just after I am done with it, I contemplate on why I gave in, it shouldn’t be that difficult! It really is just a shadow. The shadow cannot talk or convince me, I am the one to be blamed. I wouldn’t do it the next time. Gosh! Why is it that I want to do it or to feel bad after doing it? Oh!
That is exactly what I feel after I talk to him. There is no rancor towards him, only anger on myself or is it ? But sure this keeps repeating and this bad habit eats me from inside bite by bite, thought by thought. There is pain with a weird cause, it's just that there is no blood loss.
Incidentally, this is the one similarity that I noticed between my bad habit and him. My feelings take an entirely opposite position just after the incident. The feeling to do it slowly creeps on me like the shadow of an object in the sun after midday. I try to move away but somehow it catches me before I can completely escape and I am surrounded by the darkness. I give in. But just after I am done with it, I contemplate on why I gave in, it shouldn’t be that difficult! It really is just a shadow. The shadow cannot talk or convince me, I am the one to be blamed. I wouldn’t do it the next time. Gosh! Why is it that I want to do it or to feel bad after doing it? Oh!
That is exactly what I feel after I talk to him. There is no rancor towards him, only anger on myself or is it ? But sure this keeps repeating and this bad habit eats me from inside bite by bite, thought by thought. There is pain with a weird cause, it's just that there is no blood loss.
