In contemplation...

Its different. Cant give u the reason but i know its different. I've been in journeys like this before. its different. I can feel it. The happiness,the little bit can-be-taken-care-later grief is not there! did i change? or is it that I'm so used to them that i cant recognize them or differentiate them from ordinary feelings. Its again the same reason, i don't know. But i feel some security in this state of heart and mind.

Change is constant. Nothing is yours. You r just another passenger tryin to find a reason to identify/state yourself apart from the others. How all these statements sound true at the same time now! i wonder.

Am i alone? no. I'm surrounded by sounds of laughter,pain,authority, sounds of life and images of togetherness,insecurity,solitude,images of existence....but y doesn't anything affect me? I look indifferent to all of them. Is it the result of fleeting happiness that i cant share and a constant nagging pain which no one will wish to share.It takes real guts to deny both. The trouble starts when u acknowledge them again and again. But for the 'time-being' its irrelevant. Time stops for none. Once u r in its web, u escape living. U have to. There's no choice in it.

The only choice u have is how u live.

I'm tired.I want to stop the image feed to the brain. But i see a different world altogether when i close my eyes.Does this show that I detest the reality which I'm suppose to live in or does it show my inability to shut the brain for sometime or as long as i want. The only thing i do is to give myself to the dizziness.I sleep.I dream.Time moves. Something from the reality reaches into my dreams and transports me to the now(present).I wake up. Not long enough, i long to slumber again.time moves.I do nothing but time moves. After few repetitions i no longer feel sleepy.My eye lids refuse to close.Even blinking becomes alien.I just watch. Watch people do things.Watch things happen and time move.

a conversation

Boy enters the bus, searches for his girl and finds her standing with her frnds..a smile appears on his face..he eagerly waits for her to look at him so that he can have a chat with her..she finds time to escape from her frnds and looks at him

the conversation starts...
boy: raises both his eyebrows and lowers them quickly retaining smile on his face

girl: raises her eyebrows,tilts her head to one side and straintens maintaining the same smile

boy:looks from her head to feet then to head,raises his eyebrows,make his eyes big and rocks his head tilting it with a small amplitude in both ways

girl:lowers her glance,looks slightly askew to the floor of the bus contracting her lips into a smile and looks at him

boy:bounces his eyes from her place to a place near to where he is standing simultaneously tilting his head in the direction of motion of his eyes

girl:raises her eyebrows and lowers them without any smile on her face. gives a quick look towards her frnds without moving her head and gives little nods sideways

boy:breaks their eye contact,looks out of the window for few seconds,looks at the floor,looks into her eyes,blinks slowly and smiles

girl:glances at him,looks in his eyes wen he returns his gaze and smiles after he smiles..

they go back to talk with their resp frnds,looking at each other occasionally and returning short smiles..wen the stop for the boy to get down comes,he shouts at her by turning his head towards her...she stares at him even before he looks at her

boy:rocks his head tilting it from one side to the other and gives a broad smile

girl:imitates him and watches him get down the bus

the boy walks few steps and turns back and looks at the bus,resumes his walk and smiles to himself

girl in the bus stares at the floor for few seconds and smiles at herself.

the day starts for them...

Can you show???

It was post lunch. I was the third student in the third bench in the third column in the class.It was very odd time to have a realization. It was a time when I also realized the saying that teacher is equivalent to God. He was the only reason that I was enlightened to sit and unfold this great work, Though it falls into the category of 'nonsense', I am very much happy to have been releasing it for the sake of those who don't understand the power of the pen, or rather words as I am typing this. Let me not keep you in ignorance, though it is bliss. I am with this script to disturb it.

He came to my bench. I was apparently fidgeting with my books, being crushed by two heavy weighters of our class on both sides. It was inevitable. He asked me "Show me yours". I was shocked. It was like time has frozen for few seconds. It hit me like an ice cream. My thoughts were already drifting towards somewhere I dont know, in search of the answer to the most important question I felt at that moment. He asked me to show something I don't have. Consequent of my mind's absent state, I was punished. He ordered me to leave the class at once."Go out and kneel before the door". I felt helpless. I wanted to ask him,ask the crushers behind me,ask the benches, the black board, God or someone.. Is this fair? Has justice gone on a vacation? But there was no answer. I was punished for something I dint do. Should an innocent, ignorant, fragile hearted boy be punished for some work he dint do? It was after all just one day's home work. Gosh!

Then I took an oath on the ant that was making its way through the sand on the floor on which I kneeled down. I will definitely find a answer for this question. No one else should suffer for the lack of an answer for this. Thats the reason I -affirmed- to write this book "How to show what you don't have".

I am sure folks will enjoy this one-in-a-million magnificent piece of work.

tanhai....

दिल का दर्द छुपाना कितना मुश्किल है,

टूट कर फिर मुस्कराना कितना मुश्किल है,

दूर तक चलो जब किसी के साथ तो फिर,

तनहा लौट के आना कितना मुश्किल है ....

NM

A chapter in my life...

"And what about the third question" , shouted Hady as if i started the incantation for preparing THE magic potion without adding the most vital ingredient which he remembered suddenly.Before I spell-ed my thoughts Kurl shouted "Kock it off !!! I wont repeat myself... dont discuss about the exam.Let me have my lunch peacefully". I guess you got the context.It was in the lunch room after our exam. Actually i partially felt the same too.But i appreciated Hady's effort to break the ice at the table. Every one was dull.

I should say something about this guy Hady. He's with me from my graduation/college and i mean it..he is with me.
I still wonder what in the world can make this fellow tensed? though i never dared to ask him. He 's one of the coolest guy in our gang and that implies he's not the only one.I am too but that day it was a different story, this story. let me get back to the lunch table.
I told him what he wanted. " That one's wrong too".
"Why? who told so?" he enquired.
"That bugger Derk. He got all five correct. I was happy till he disturbed me starting the discussion about how easy the paper was and how soon he finished it ..bla bla bla...."
It was like I gulped a handful of something i really hate when i realized my solution for the problem was wrong. I was on cloud 9 til Derk blew the wind and made me fall down.( just fyi i am very thin!! so the sentence suits... :) ).
I narrated the correct solution mimicking Derk.

"Dont worry about that, i think my solutions are also wrong for the last two problems...so wat'l u drink? pineapple or grape juice?",he asked.Does it really matter i thought. I made silly mistakes in the paper.Gosh!!

Some one across the table read my mind. "You came very early from the hall" said Bean and quickly turned his gaze towards his lunch plate so that i wont get what he is accusing me of. But i understood. He was accusing me of being so arrogant for not revewing my solutions. I turned towards Hady who started talking for Bean.

"Why couldnt you recheck?"
I thought of asking why dint you check yours? then felt it to be childish to retaliate so.
"It wouldnt have mattered much . I would be thinking again on the same lines... I couldnt get the right answer".
Well Bean was not wrong. I was in a hurry to be the first one to come out without leaving any problem undone. I dint focus on reviewing i just re-glanced.

Hady went to get me apple juice ( i always select something out of the options he comes out with...may be thats y he leaves at least one out..)Slowly Hemar and Fatzee came out with their i-was-a-fool-not-to-see-this incidents and slowly the topic moved away on to our invisilator, how he acted dictator in the exam hall looking on us like we were warrior ants and he can ruin our lives with one single pen strike and Without my knowledge i had something i thought i would'nt have the whole evening. I was smiling . It was like a wave the audience do in a football or cricket match. Everyone was smiling. Hady was actually laughing. Let me tell you, everything in this world that goes must come back. But the only thing that makes you feel good when it returns is a smile. Soon the topic of exams was lost in the mulberrybush.(I dont know where to find one!!!). The topic was gone.

I contemplated on my feeling.As soon as i realized i dint fair well in the exam i was cursing my fate. I prepared well.Even then i had to go wrong. I even dramatised the scene by playing the Linkin Park song "In the end..."...

I tried so hard,
I tried so far,
but in the end it doesnt even matter
i had to fall
to loose it all
in the end
it doesnt even matter.....

and now..with just a few lines of chat with friends, my friends , ya i am proud to refer them so,i am completely taken away from the feeling of frustration. Listening to them i felt better. I lost the feeling that i was not the best in the exam.When they could smile what am i cursed with that i cant be happy. Hell with the exam, i am not going to cry for some silly mistake. I choose to be happy. Let me see who stops me. I tell you it was really not the same me. If i would have been roaming alone without approaching my friends i would have thought of something really worthless.
In a split second i heard a little voice in my head.Thats what are friends for. Yes , this is just another incident that strengthened my belief that i can do anything, be anything if i have these seven 'f r i e n d s'

And you know what? i had another exam the next day.Hady got the highest score in it.I secured one less than that. Others scored as they expected.we all prepared for it together the night before.I love my friends.